When I realized it, I was in bed and it was after midnight.
OK.
I didn't post yesterday.
Eesh.
I found that I was obnoxiously grumpy all day yesterday. Though work has been bad for over a year now, I was finding myself to be in a head space of thinking that "NOTHING" in my life was working how I wanted, needed, or how it "should." Life was, in no aspect, going the way I was attempting working toward.
A very part-time job I had earlier in the year roughly 30 miles away in major traffic that I didn't care about because I loved the work had ended, I thought temporarily, until the company started to pick up more. Receiving the latest newsletter, one of the things I used to work on, I clicked onto the website to see a half-dozen others now doing the things I wished I was "good enough" or lived closer or had other, seemingly missing attributes to complete me and make me desirable as a team member there.
My charity work seems to, for the third year in a row, not be even remotely good enough to make me eligible to participate in the main event for this unnamed charity, whereas other people (I just read in an email today) have signed up a mere couple of weeks ago, sent out 169 emails and gotten 24 people to donate and pass their minimum goal. I've sent out hundreds...and sent follow ups...and built several web pages....and held fundraisers...and I am only at 17% of the goal minimum...and I've been trying for over 9 months.
Not-too-short hasn't called or texted or emailed, even though we made out and he told me how pretty I was over and over and laughed a lot and he seemed to like me; another on a growing list of nonsense men.
I feel stressed and sad and overweight and still cannot seem to get eating right and exercising into a habit instead of a sometimesit.
My roommate wants to share her TV shows I have little-to-no-interest in and laugh from her room, but when I try to share that I'm laughing so hard I'm crying because of funny scenes in a book she couldn't seem less interested or understanding, and I end up feeling chided for laughing as I am.
What am I doing wrong?
Yesterday I was in this pretty hefty funk. Funk funk funk. Then my bedfellow came into my room (she's a cat, but she's a lot like a dog and human mix, with a splash of cat) and she started to cheer me up, just because her personality rocks so much. Then a friend continued to encourage me to come out to a free concert in a semi-local park. Then a new boy emailed me, whom I had seen on PoF (Plenty of Fish) and favorited in hopes that he would think me fun and cute enough to email...and he was sparky and the extra encouragement I needed. Easy to talk to. It felt like good conversation, rather than good because there was some attention paid or some other menial thing. So I picked him up and took him to the concert, too.
I typically have this rule of not giving out my number so fast, or using a number when given out so fast. I find, these days, that I can tell enough about a person's personality through a few emails to decide to
not give out my number or have a desire to make use of theirs. I can generally tell if I'm really going to like the person's personality through how they talk...even via email.
He. Was. Spark.
So I didn't plan. I just did. And in talking with him last night (along with something my Best Friend E. had said at dinner the other day) I have had a small epiphany that may bleed into a larger one: I have been living my life for others. I have adjusted how I am, who I am, what I say, what I give, etc. based on who I am around, and rarely is it what I
should be doing.
I am not about to give up taking others into consideration...but I do need to live a more honest life in many ways. I'm well over the legal drinking age, but I hide the fact that I drink from others because I don't want to "deal" with how it will "hurt" them because of their religious beliefs. I change how I talk to people, speaking to them sometimes feeling like a lightly beaten dog, because I don't want to feel stupid in some way by how they'll speak to me. I don't tell certain people how much I disagree with their political beliefs because I want to avoid upsetting them and hearing them get angry with me, or having to dispute something they tout as fact just because it's what they've heard.
WHAT? REALLY?
I drink. I am well into adulthood and didn't have one sip until I was over 21. My drinking alcohol is not going to equal my spiritual demise. If somebody else decides to think that, that is
their choice. I should not have to hide who I am in my own home. I have avoided it as a topic of discussion because I've wanted to avoid contention, but it is not solving anything. Besides, I'm sure those who aren't "supposed" to know already do. There doesn't need to be a discussion or production about it, but I don't need to hide myself. If they need to talk about it, we can do that in a mature fashion.
That goes for how I conduct myself all together. I'm one smart cookie, after all. Sometimes I get in a dither because I worry so much about what somebody else is going to think of me rather than concerning myself with my own feelings and thoughts.
NO MORE!
If you and I cannot have an adult conversation about a topic and you are going to be so passionate about it that you call names and are not as open-minded as you say you want others to be, then maybe we cannot be friends; and that's OK. (That really is one of the silliest things. I've had to deal with people, since grade school - and more concentrated starting in high school - telling me how open-minded they are, but it turns out it's only if you agree with them that they're open to your opinions, feelings, and beliefs.)
I choose to live my life MORE TRUE TO MYSELF.
As I found out last night after the reggae concert, talking to Spark on our walk to my car, I am not alone in those thoughts and it's a good thing to share that with others.
So what - I didn't post yesterday. Instead of chalking that up to one more thing I can feel like a failure at, I'm using it as a "I'm still moving forward" thing.
YESTERDAY: Yesterday is not now. I cannot do anything to change it, but I can use it to be a step on my way up to being the best me ever.
