Good Morning

Spark sent a text this morning, just to say, "Good Morning."

THAT rocks my socks. 

And I, as a rule, say it with me, don't like texting.

This is different.

Only car-hugged the guy two days ago and I get a morning text that tells me he's thinking of me...and this is his busiest day of the week and I still get one.  Makes me grin.

I finished a charity newsletter after work, revised my website, and sent out said newsletter.  This will be a short "fill-my-requirements" post because I also did some yoga to improve my physical and emotional states and am off to sushi with a girl friend on top of the rest of it.

Tomorrow is a full day that I'm actually looking very much forward to.  Woot!

Reggaelar or Not, Here I Come

When I realized it, I was in bed and it was after midnight. 

OK. 

I didn't post yesterday. 

Eesh. 

I found that I was obnoxiously grumpy all day yesterday.  Though work has been bad for over a year now, I was finding myself to be in a head space of thinking that "NOTHING" in my life was working how I wanted, needed, or how it "should."  Life was, in no aspect, going the way I was attempting working toward.

A very part-time job I had earlier in the year roughly 30 miles away in major traffic that I didn't care about because I loved the work had ended, I thought temporarily, until the company started to pick up more.  Receiving the latest newsletter, one of the things I used to work on, I clicked onto the website to see a half-dozen others now doing the things I wished I was "good enough" or lived closer or had other, seemingly missing attributes to complete me and make me desirable as a team member there.

My charity work seems to, for the third year in a row, not be even remotely good enough to make me eligible to participate in the main event for this unnamed charity, whereas other people (I just read in an email today) have signed up a mere couple of weeks ago, sent out 169 emails and gotten 24 people to donate and pass their minimum goal.  I've sent out hundreds...and sent follow ups...and built several web pages....and held fundraisers...and I am only at 17% of the goal minimum...and I've been trying for over 9 months. 

Not-too-short hasn't called or texted or emailed, even though we made out and he told me how pretty I was over and over and laughed a lot and he seemed to like me; another on a growing list of nonsense men.

I feel stressed and sad and overweight and still cannot seem to get eating right and exercising into a habit instead of a sometimesit.

My roommate wants to share her TV shows I have little-to-no-interest in and laugh from her room, but when I try to share that I'm laughing so hard I'm crying because of funny scenes in a book she couldn't seem less interested or understanding, and I end up feeling chided for laughing as I am.

What am I doing wrong?

Yesterday I was in this pretty hefty funk.  Funk funk funk.  Then my bedfellow came into my room (she's a cat, but she's a lot like a dog and human mix, with a splash of cat) and she started to cheer me up, just because her personality rocks so much.  Then a friend continued to encourage me to come out to a free concert in a semi-local park.  Then a new boy emailed me, whom I had seen on PoF (Plenty of Fish) and favorited in hopes that he would think me fun and cute enough to email...and he was sparky and the extra encouragement I needed.  Easy to talk to.  It felt like good conversation, rather than good because there was some attention paid or some other menial thing.  So I picked him up and took him to the concert, too.

I typically have this rule of not giving out my number so fast, or using a number when given out so fast.  I find, these days, that I can tell enough about a person's personality through a few emails to decide to not give out my number or have a desire to make use of theirs.  I can generally tell if I'm really going to like the person's personality through how they talk...even via email. 

He.  Was.  Spark.

So I didn't plan.  I just did.  And in talking with him last night (along with something my Best Friend E. had said at dinner the other day) I have had a small epiphany that may bleed into a larger one: I have been living my life for others.  I have adjusted how I am, who I am, what I say, what I give, etc. based on who I am around, and rarely is it what I should be doing.

I am not about to give up taking others into consideration...but I do need to live a more honest life in many ways.  I'm well over the legal drinking age, but I hide the fact that I drink from others because I don't want to "deal" with how it will "hurt" them because of their religious beliefs.  I change how I talk to people, speaking to them sometimes feeling like a lightly beaten dog, because I don't want to feel stupid in some way by how they'll speak to me.  I don't tell certain people how much I disagree with their political beliefs because I want to avoid upsetting them and hearing them get angry with me, or having to dispute something they tout as fact just because it's what they've heard.

WHAT?  REALLY?

I drink.  I am well into adulthood and didn't have one sip until I was over 21.  My drinking alcohol is not going to equal my spiritual demise.  If somebody else decides to think that, that is their choice.  I should not have to hide who I am in my own home.  I have avoided it as a topic of discussion because I've wanted to avoid contention, but it is not solving anything.  Besides, I'm sure those who aren't "supposed" to know already do.  There doesn't need to be a discussion or production about it, but I don't need to hide myself.  If they need to talk about it, we can do that in a mature fashion. 

That goes for how I conduct myself all together.  I'm one smart cookie, after all.  Sometimes I get in a dither because I worry so much about what somebody else is going to think of me rather than concerning myself with my own feelings and thoughts. 

NO MORE! 

If you and I cannot have an adult conversation about a topic and you are going to be so passionate about it that you call names and are not as open-minded as you say you want others to be, then maybe we cannot be friends; and that's OK.  (That really is one of the silliest things.  I've had to deal with people, since grade school - and more concentrated starting in high school - telling me how open-minded they are, but it turns out it's only if you agree with them that they're open to your opinions, feelings, and beliefs.)

I choose to live my life MORE TRUE TO MYSELF. 

As I found out last night after the reggae concert, talking to Spark on our walk to my car, I am not alone in those thoughts and it's a good thing to share that with others.

So what - I didn't post yesterday.  Instead of chalking that up to one more thing I can feel like a failure at, I'm using it as a "I'm still moving forward" thing. 

YESTERDAY: Yesterday is not now.  I cannot do anything to change it, but I can use it to be a step on my way up to being the best me ever.

First Kisses Should Be Like Eating

OK...get ready for the start of what has been a "work in progress" for far too long:

AWKWARD EMAILS, PROFILES, (and photos, if I can work out that old legal side of things).

First of all, let's get more exact.  I'm here to help myself, and hopefully help you, if you choose to venture into the online dating world.  I have had past profiles on Match.com, eHarmony, Chemistry.com, and Yahoo Personals.  I am now on a social-group specific site (sorry, still no exacts there!), OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, and Zoosk.  I think that covers it.  I think.  For now?  Hahaha.  I have only paid for the socially specific site and find very little reason to pay for memberships on some of the others, not because I can get enough for free so why bother, but because the site set-up and their membership base isn't really my...cup of tea?  (And maybe shouldn't be anybody's.)

I will get into success rates and averages later, as I would like to avoid doing too much math this late at night (and I feel almost any math should be considered "too much" for me; we just don't get along well), but I do want to share THE awkward email of the day, unedited:

ScreenName#tocome - 48 - Male - Divorced - Kids That Don't Live at Home

"Hi... I think should meet up... whats happening? Hope you have been doing well... let's talk. I have seen your profile several times... And each time I think I need to see if she is interested. Well I checking now.
What do you think?


James"

I tried to reply with my standard, kind "Not interested" style email, clicked send, and got the following message:

"You have been blocked by this user. Find someone else... Return to your inbox."

Blocked before he could even be rejected.  What the hell?  You're 48 years old and cannot send a message without a jolt of regret a mere minute after hitting SEND?  Wow.  Not a big deal, but odd.  Boys are weird.
 
In other WAAAAY better news, the first-meet / date last night went well.  He's even more charming and attractive than I thought, and a great kisser.  I am VERY much the gal that's ANTI-kiss-at-the-end-of-the-night.  I attribute the Goodnight Kiss vs. Great First Kiss to eating. 
 

Yes, eating.

 

You should eat when you're hungry, when you feel like eating, not because it's "time" to.  Do it when you feel it, not because it's "supposed " to happen.  First kisses should be in the moment you feel like kissing each other, not because it's what's supposed to happen at the end of a date.  Boring.  Awkward.  Icky to me, overall.

 

This guy kissed me sweetly and carefree in the middle of a busy cafe, in front of a couple of my friends, just because it felt right in that moment.  He kissed me a lot more after that, and especially when we were alone.

 

I haven't heard from him yet today.  Some men play the Don't Call Until game, no matter how interested they are.  We'll see.  I'm not worried or all that bothered.  I mean, I didn't contact him, so I'm just as guilty, if you wanna call it that. 

 
 
And he did end up being his posted height.  : )

Daily Posts

So I haven't been posting daily, as I should have and wanted to.  True, if I really had wanted to, I would've gotten my lay-zee butt up and done it.  I was feeling like I had a lot to say, but that nobody was listening.  But, really, who follows blogs as soon as they start being written anyway? 

What a nut.

There was a LOT of stuff to be writing about, too!  I have been out on some first-meets and dates with a couple of men, each providing good stories to tell.

Not to mention the mostly-nekked photo I got from another man, which provided a rousing (ha) story I MUST share with you. 

These all would have been way better if told as they were happening....alas, I had to learn a lesson or something, so they weren't posted then.

So here is my post for the day.  And I hereby swear to ME (because I need to be important to myself, for myself) that I will write EVERY day, at least once. 

I will certainly update you on the events of the last few weeks regarding men and online dating. 

And I even will be meeting one guy in a few hours for some drinks.  He's fun enough to talk with; nothing has especially clicked yet, but he's not somebody I'm resigning myself to, either.  He's 4 years younger than me, but has an actual career.  He sounds like he could give me an offer I could never refuse (and did, in one conversation, offer to get some guys to "talk" to my horrid excuse for a human boss) which just tickled me so much because of his Jersey Shore-esque voice.  BTW, he was born and raised in CA, and only had a short stint in NY.  I don't know where his speech patterns and voice come from.

His profile says he's as tall as I am...but, let's face it, a lot of these men don't post actual heights, but an inch or two taller than they say.  Only the ones that say they're 6'4" or taller are actually the heights they say; I hope in this case it's not an exaggeration.

Whatever on all of it.  I'm trying new things without compromising my needs or settling.  So here I go.

Attack. Of. The. Blahs.

So I've been away for a little over a month.  There's been a lot going on...and with so few followers right now, I guess I wasn't feeling like this was the top of my "To Do" list.  I've been tracking the rates on several websites...and get a lot of emails...but have yet to go out on even one date.

My fault AND their fault.

I'm so over going out to go out.  I don't feel up to meeting up with a man who is already super lame via an email or two.  If you cannot put any effort into an email, I'm already not interested in meeting you (and by effort I really only mean have something to say beyond "Hey, what's up wit u?" or "How r u?" specifically if you're anything older than 22...and even that's pushing it...but really, if you're 45 and writing that way?  Grooooossss.).

I'm often being contacted by men who should not be contacting me, in my opinion; a lot of them are either 8 years younger or 10+ years older.  Where are all of them men around my age?  It's not that I'm at an age where there aren't plenty of them that are ready to settle...so why aren't they the bulk of who's emailing?  Hmph.  AND  and and AAAAAAAND the ones I've gotten along best with recently are all hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away.

Hmph again.

Updates on specific sites to come!

Meet Real Men - Online Dating #3

"Meet real men."  Really?  As opposed to the fake ones on other sites?  Or is the reason I've not found a long-lasting relationship from online dating (to date) that the men aren't really...real?  That's how one site is choosing to advertise itself...on another dating site, none-the-less.

And guess what?  I went ahead and added my profile back onto a fishy site.  Yup.  I'm going to give you the low-down on as many of the (free) aspects of these sites as I can.  Heck, if they want to pay me...or if somebody else does...I'll buy a membership and give the the low-down on that side of each as well.  But for now, let's be penny pinchers, shall we?

There are some cool aspects about being a fish, but the layout of the site isn't the greatest.  Since having canceled my first membership a few months back, they have added a "Quick Message" aspect to each user's profile, conveniently next to their photo box.  The inbox seems a bit messy now; when I was trying to reply to some users, it kept trying to tell me I was sending a quick reply and not an actual reply to the original message. 

I had a few messages right away...used a few of the same pics from other sites...and totally copied and pasted part of my cupid profile and just added a couple of sentences at the end.  I felt the additive was needed since my last boyfriend was from that site; I don't want the same this time around, so I wanted to clarify right away:

I want you to want to spend a lot of time with me, but still want to do things on your own sometimes as well...you have to like hanging with my friends and I have to like hanging with yours...etc. Once in a relationship with me, I will put you first, but only if you put me first...and if we're both putting the other first, then we're both well taken care of!

LESSON OF THE DAY:

To increase your visibility, you should log on during the week between 8:30pm-9:30pm.  Even if you aren't actively at your computer, showing up online during this time seems to be when the main male traffic is also online.  (This is true for all the sites, so far!)

I already have one man who would like to meet up for a mutual, casual, social event on Thursday....from re-joining that sea - he was the first to email (within 5 minutes of posting my profile) and is actually cute.

Online Dating 2

I despise online dating....and no, I won't stop doing it.  : D

The reason I use the word "despise" is due to the fact that somebody can wink or smile or...OK, come to think of it, I DESPISE some aspects of dating all together, period.

If somebody tells you they're not interested...just leave it alone.  For Pete's sake, don't keep PRODDING.

Saturday night, while out with the girls, I was privy to the inevitable "Two o'clock Girl Treatment."  Y'all know what I'm talking about...it's the end of the night, they're herding people out the doors, and there are plenty of drunk girls everywhere making poor decisions...along with a lot of guys that have little to no numbers and are scrambling to get somewhere with somebody - FAST.  So I'm sitting there and this bloke comes up and his opening line is, SERIOUSLY: "Hello.  How are you tonight?  May I have your phone number?"

Really?

"I'm fine, thanks, and no, you may not.  How are you?"  -  "What?  Are you serious?  Just give me your phone number."  -  "No, thank you."  -  "I can't have your phone number?"  -  "No.  I already answered this question."  -  "Well, why not?  Why are you trying to be mean?"  -  "I'm not being mean by not giving you what you want exactly when you want it, just because you want it.  I don't want to give you my number because I don't know you, you haven't tried to talk to me all night, and now that it's closing time you're just trying to grab at phone numbers."  -  "Well, how about your email?"  -  "No.  I'm not going to give you anything."  And he finally walked away.

Yes.  My sole desire is to be mean to you by withholding my phone number when you don't give me the time of day before closing time.

Now, with these online dating sites, you can run into the same things.  Throughout my time of traipsing through this online world-o-dating, I have had my share of trying to determine whether or not to reply to the "winks," "smiles," "ice breakers," "woos," and the regular emails, among other things.  It's hard to just delete these things without responding in some fashion.  My standard, if I reply, is generally, "Thank you for your (insert type here), but I don't feel we're a good match.  I hope you have a great (fill in the blank with day of the week, etc.)!"

Why can't it just be left at that?  Some men say, "Thank you for your reply.  Good luck to you, too!" or something else respectful and normal.  THANK YOU FOR THOSE, you men who do that.

The following is, by no means, the worst exchange ever, but it's the latest (from a man who is 1,559 miles away anyway):

>Hello, would you like to talk ? I'm sure that you get covered up in responses but please don't just skip over this one. Ha. Thanks and hope to hear back from you soon..........NAME

Without viewing his profile or pictures:
>>You live a billion miles away. : )
 
>They have airplanes now days..............Ha
 
Checked out his profile, and there are some life choices he's making that I don't want to live with and comment on his personality in general, which I found to be unattractive.

>>I appreciate the email, but after checking out your profile I don't think we're a good fit, even without the miles. I hope you have a great week!
 
>Just out of curiousity.....what was unfitting ?
 
Now, he cannot spell, AND this question drives me CRAZY.  Sometimes I just don't reply and sometimes even block them; this one I responded to with:
 
>>This is always an odd question to get from people, and it's even harder to answer via email because tone doesn't translate well, so I end up sounding rude when I'm just trying to be tactful. I don't think it's a fair question to ask and put somebody in the position of possibly being taken as insulting.


>>Why, exactly, I feel we're not a good fit doesn't matter because my telling you any specifics won't change the fact that I don't feel we are. Based on your profile, which is here to help me determine whether or not I'd like to even email with you, let alone pursue a pretty long-distance relationship, I am not interested in continuing to exchange emails.


>>Thank you for your interest; I do find it flattering, and it's not that you're an unattractive guy...it's that I don't think we're a good fit.


>>I sincerely wish you the best.

Ugh.  So uncomfortable.  To really answer his question I could have said, "You smoke, which I find to be gross in a partner and the fact that you say you'll quit, but only after you find somebody to quit for leads me to believe you don't want to take care of yourself for you.  In turn, this all causes me to feel not attracted to your personality, but very specifically do I find you to be unappealing.  And, though you're not an ugly human being, I don't think you're physically attractive enough to find out more about your personality than is already in your profile." 
 
Is that what he wanted to hear?  No.  That's not why he asked the question...at least it would be unhealthy if that's what he wanted or expected to hear.  Those answers aren't going to change him or me and are therefore irrelevant.  SO WHY ASK ME?!?!  Bah.  So so sooooo awkward.
 
Thanks for listening and I hope it (maybe?) helps you to tastefully deal with it if you run into it out there in the world or online and to stay chill about it, too.  Hahaha.
 
-La Super Fox

Online Dating

Now, this subject is not new to me (heck, it's barely new to anybody anymore).  So as not to slam or endorse any sites directly, I'll not be flat out naming them....though I'm sure you're smart enough to catch my drift.

I had joined a sight a few years back to get a good match (hahaha) and had gone out on dates with three different men...all in the same time period (we were not exclusive and they knew this)...until I knew which of them I liked best.  D turned out to not be all that interesting, though he had a very nice home.  E seemed to be really into me, and was cute, but didn't have a personality that could keep up with mine, so that ended.  J, however, was SUPER.  He was my favorite from the start and after a weekend getaway (which was actually supposed to be a trip with an ex...it was free and we were going to go to Sea World and there were NO romantic intentions...but he back out the day before, so I invited J last minute) he really grew on me.  No, we didn't do anything scandalous.  It was so fun, though.  We continued to date for about a month and a half, but then he saw that I really liked him and he is just not the relationship type, I guess, so we stopped seeing each other.  We actually got in a huge STUPID fight over my driving just above the speed limit but not fast enough for others and how I should change lanes instead of expecting them to. 

He yelled at me. 

Over the phone.

AKA: he was not there and didn't really know what was going on; obviously he was upset about other things that had nothing to do with my driving.

We didn't talk for a long time.  But we're friends again...well, friendly again.  We don't talk all that often, but after I posted a new social networking site default pic he sure is chatty.  Hahaha.

That was the end of trying to find my match there...so I moved on to a more harmonious site along with their newest sister-site to really find my chemical beau...and went on NO dates from either.  I even had one guy saying how he thought anybody who slept with any more than 5 guys is a whore, no matter their age.  Bye bye, buddy - I don't care how very cute you are, but you and I will not get on well.

So I canceled those memberships and moved on to a free site after my best friend pressured me into signing up (this seemed more like a social networking site in those days anyway, so why not?).  On this site, I thought I'd have some fun while cupid did an OK job of finding me a man. 

Nope.

But then I started dating a friend...and then he didn't want to commit until I started dating another (and then he was in LOOOOVE with me...too little too late) and I thought I had met the man I was going to marry in that another. 

Fail.

So, I eventually hopped back on.  I had a boyfriend recently (see prior posts) that I met on a fishy sort of site, and when we became exclusive I deleted that account....Aaaaaaand now I'm back on the site that I think is OK, but refuse to hit up the fishy site any time soon - the set up just wasn't as good, fun, or helpful - and I soooo don't want to bump into my ex's profile.

Now to my main point: I am now on THREE dating sites.  Each have options to pay, but I've posted profiles without doing such (I just don't have the money to spend on something like this right now, y'all).  I gotta say, it's a lot of fun right now!  I'll keep you posted on the comings and goings.

To catch you up:

OK = 7 days; added as a favorite by a few; 1 phone number exchange after a few emails and IMs

Yeah, Who? = 2 days; 10 men; 10 deletions

Social Group Specific = 4 days; 20 emails & winks (all different men); A handful of REALLY cute men; 1 phone number exchange with a few phone calls; 1 man I'm dying to be in touch with, but neither of us is paying so we can't email each other.  Grrr.

It's fun this time, though.  And I've been trying to do things in a different fashion this time around (ie: being the one to end the conversation before they do, leave them wanting more / not being so available / make them come after me).

It all feels different right now.  I've been keeping my life in better order anyway.  This started before my breakup, but it's what I've been trying to focus on since then, and it feels GREAT! 

Now if I could only sleep for more than 4 hours each night...

Train

Moving Forward.  Moving Forward.  MovingForward.  Movingforward.  movingforward movingforward.  movingforwardmovingforwardmovingforwardmovingforwardmovingforwardmovingforward. 

Good grief, I sound like a train.  Trouble is, some other emotions and thoughts are trying to freight-train their way toward my mantra, making it seem more like a little caboose at times.  

I have recently gone through yet another break up.  I don't know that they've gotten easier through the years, but they have gotten different.  Do I think I loved Doug* as much as I loved Rex*?  Well, no.  I thought, fast and hard, that I would marry Rex...thought this without a doubt.  But I did love Doug and, even more, must have loved the idea of what Doug and I COULD be (and were, at times).  Truth is, it's not that we didn't have a lot in common, which we didn't, but that we didn't have me and our relationship in common.  I don't know how "in the mood" I am to get deeper into this right noooow, but I have at least come to that realization...AKA: We were not in the same relationship and did not share the same relationship goals.  

Great.  Can my heart now come to that same realization so I can take a nap without prematurely waking with the lovely anxiety that it's over?  I'm suffering a loss, yes, but it's a loss of what could have been and not what actually was as a whole.  So?


So I keep training my train.  And I'll do that until my Moving Forward muscle is stronger than the weight I'm lifting.


In the mean time, I'll still be OK.  Because I am a SUPER FOX!






*Obviously the names have been changed.  Let's face it, when was the last time you met a Rex?  : )

Hey there, Super Fox!

Hey! Are you listening? I'm La Super Fox.  How did I get to be her? Well, I've always been her...I just didn't always know it. Do I always believe I'm a Super Fox? No. Does that make me any less of a Super Fox? HECK NO! I'm constantly working to improve myself and become my own hero. It's not an easy road. And I don't always work as hard at it as I want to.

"Why are you blabbering in the vast black hole of the Internet, La Super Fox?"

A wise man and woman once told me that I should do the opposite of things I've done in past breakups (there's a hint for ya) and that I should do the things I've been putting off. (OK - they told millions because they published a few books which happened to be very popular and I've never actually spoken to them - more on them to come.)

Here I am, killing two birds with one stone. (NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS BLOG)

And I tell you what. So far, it feels pretty damn great. Here I'm going to share with you what I've been dying to share for a few years now: Dating woos and woes, friendship, family, LIFE.

I can write about other people's work all I want (I'm not going to give that up any time soon) but it feels WAY better to write about MY work...and that means my work on me.

"But what does that mean for me, La Super Fox? Why should I stick around this joint?"

I don't know about you (yet) but even if I am around a ton of people, sometimes I can just feel so alone. Sometimes I feel like I can't share certain things with those around me because I'm afraid/embarrassed/insert-your-own-emotional-adjective-here. Another thing La Super Fox needs to keep working on to be a better Fox. Maybe you'll read this and not feel alone. You can pull from my experiences and make better decisions for yourself (by either doing or NOT doing what I have done - hahaha). We'll see where else this journey takes us. Maybe you'll read this and laugh.

I don't always know what I'm doing, but I sure as heck am not going to sit around waiting for something to happen to me - I'm going to make my life my own, because I am a SUPER FOX!

And so are YOU!